Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Feeling just a little blue

So its hard enough lately that I feel like i never see Matt anymore. Tonight, for example, he gets home around 6pm. Tonight, I have a meeting at 6:30, so I'll be rushing off just as soon as he walks in the door. I won't get home until about 9.

Lately, I've been experiencing quite a bit of "baby fever". We'd talked previously about starting our family once he'd finished his first year of school, and with the end of his first year rapidly approaching, the baby fever just keeps getting stronger. I'm so unbelievably ready to start a family with him, and I'd been waiting for hell, an hour alone with him to talk to him about it again, see where we stand.

He just reconnected with an old friend from HS (a girl I know for a fact he was head over heels for...) and they've been chatting about what they've been up to, spouses, family, etc, and he told her that we are waiting to start our family until he's finished with school. I won't lie - my heart hurts a little after hearing that. I feel like every time we get closer to the previously discussed dates ("a couple years after the wedding", "perhaps this Christmas" - that was 2 years ago - , "maybe next summer", "after I finish a year of school"), it just gets pushed farther and farther away. I KNOW he wants to have children, so that's not the issue, I just don't know how many more times I can handle it being pushed away. Being a mother is one of the things I want MOST in my life. I've never been particularly career-minded, power suits and pumps, business lunches and bringing work home with me. I just want to be a Mom, you know? I want to raise a family, take care of our home, etc. Stupid, I'm sure, but that's the way it is.

We moved out here so he could work towards realizing his dream. When do I get to realize mine?

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