2 weeks ago, my sweet, wonderful service dog, Taylor, passed away. Obviously, I've been taking this pretty hard. I didn't lose a pet, I lost a friend. A family member. A body part. At night, when Matt's asleep and I'm sitting up alone until 2am, I can't help it - the tears just flow. The logical part of me feels like "hey, its been two weeks. You know it was best for her so get over it" -- but I can't. Two weeks later, and my heart still aches. Everything hurts. I saw a Golden Retriever puppy on the corner today, I cried. I wanted to update my Facebook profile to my cool Jack-O-Lantern, but that would have meant taking down the picture of Taylor and I. I wept. I told my brother to give my mom a big hug when he arrives in Michigan in the morning - tomorrow is her birthday, after all - and THAT made me cry, because right now, I just feel like I need a hug, and I need my mom. Mom, who had to make the decision to have Taylor put down. Mom, who had to break the awful news to me.
Taylor had been living with my mom in Michigan for just over 2 years now, and in 2 years, I'd seen her twice. Matt hadn't seen her at all. She was to come back to Arizona this winter with my mom. A part of me was, again, scared to see her, knowing she was getting old and her health wasn't the greatest, but I was so looking forward to having her home, laying on my feet, forcing her head under my elbow so that my arm was around her. Absentmindedly petting her velvety soft ears.
And I don't get to. I don't get to do any of that again. I don't want another dog. I want MY dog, and I can't have my dog.
I think the extra hard part is that I'm alone a LOT lately. Matt working his normal hours, but school and homework keep him pretty occupied. Last weekend, he was gone for 9 hours filming with a classmate - "probably the only film I'll get to work on at all this school year, so I really want to be on set", so after being home alone the whole work-week, I spent the better part of the weekend alone too. This weekend, we'd planned to attend a small-ish Halloween party. We went last year and had a great time - or, so I'm told, there were a few too many caramel apple martinis passed my direction...but another classmate has invited us to the premiere of his film, another one Matt worked on over the summer, and it is showing as part of a HUGE industry Halloween party. Great networking opportunities for Matt. Huge crowds. Very few people I'll know or have anything in common with, and I hate big big parties and crowds. I'm really not looking forward to it.
I have very few real friends here in AZ after 2 years. One is moving back to Illinois next week. One has a huge group of friends and activities that keep her very busy. A best friend from Texas lives in Tucson, but is also incredibly busy, not to mention the 3 hour distance between us...
Experiencing the loss of Taylor makes me realize how much I really need my friends and family. People who understand what she meant, who'll sit with me and cry with me and just help me get it all out. These little spurts of tears and grief every night aren't helping, and words, though cathartic, are no substitute.