Feeling just a little blue

So its hard enough lately that I feel like i never see Matt anymore. Tonight, for example, he gets home around 6pm. Tonight, I have a meeting at 6:30, so I'll be rushing off just as soon as he walks in the door. I won't get home until about 9.

Lately, I've been experiencing quite a bit of "baby fever". We'd talked previously about starting our family once he'd finished his first year of school, and with the end of his first year rapidly approaching, the baby fever just keeps getting stronger. I'm so unbelievably ready to start a family with him, and I'd been waiting for hell, an hour alone with him to talk to him about it again, see where we stand.

He just reconnected with an old friend from HS (a girl I know for a fact he was head over heels for...) and they've been chatting about what they've been up to, spouses, family, etc, and he told her that we are waiting to start our family until he's finished with school. I won't lie - my heart hurts a little after hearing that. I feel like every time we get closer to the previously discussed dates ("a couple years after the wedding", "perhaps this Christmas" - that was 2 years ago - , "maybe next summer", "after I finish a year of school"), it just gets pushed farther and farther away. I KNOW he wants to have children, so that's not the issue, I just don't know how many more times I can handle it being pushed away. Being a mother is one of the things I want MOST in my life. I've never been particularly career-minded, power suits and pumps, business lunches and bringing work home with me. I just want to be a Mom, you know? I want to raise a family, take care of our home, etc. Stupid, I'm sure, but that's the way it is.

We moved out here so he could work towards realizing his dream. When do I get to realize mine?

home alone. at last!

Its Monday afternoon, so that means I'm home from work, and Matt's off to class for the rest of the day. Today, my brother started his new job, and his friend is out doing...whatever. Don't care :)

I have the house ALLLLLLL to myself. For at least the next couple hours, anyway. I think I'm going to curl up on MY couch and watch a mindless chick-flick until I fall asleep. Just as I was dozing off last night, Friend decided to take a shower and shave. I was startled awake from that barely-asleep-mode, hearing the rush of water in the sink, then TAPTAPTAPTAP - the razor on the counter, for five minutes. At 11:30pm. Come ON. New house rule...if you need to shower and shave on Sunday, do it before I go to bed! It took me an hour to fall back to sleep :(

On another note, about a month ago, I was invited to be a mark. Trendspotter for the next 6 months. I'll have a chance to see goodies in advance, and I'm super excited about it. One of the things the mark. staff in NYC wanted of us was to try Twitter, to see if it might be something worth looking into, so, ta-da...you can find me on Twitter as "isabella09".

Don't get too excited. I don't text, and I'm not online nearly as much as I used to be, so I have nothing to say :)

I have no interesting title to put here.

So today it was discussed that Matt and I would be paid $400 to cover "rent" for my brother and his friend for the rest of March and probably ALL of April. My brother was just offered the plush hotel job and likely starts next week. His friend is still jobless, but hopefully, that will change soon. End of April is their deadline, and while I'm fine with the decision, the end of April seems a looong way away...

In other news, I just learned that I made Honor Society - my huge sales goal that I'd set for myself this time last year! I'm super excited, but its kept me busy these last few weeks, which is why I've been away from the blog.

I've been helping Matt with his next film too, scouting locations, making contacts, planning for the makeup I'll be using on set.

And as a result, I'm exhausted.

Now I'm FREEEE......FREEELOADING!

"We just need to shower and crash for a few hours, we've been driving all night"

Was what I heard when my brother called me on Wednesday, 90 minutes away from my apartment. Today is Saturday. No jobs, no money, and nothing to do but whine at each other, like an old married couple, about having no jobs and no money; and no end in sight.

My brother had a job interview that I helped him score yesterday, and it looks pretty positive, but even still, it doesn't pay instantly, and they'll need money to put down a deposit on any apartment to rent, so I'm stuck here wondering when I'll be able to do the rest of my work in my office, not on my husband's laptop. When I'll be able to curl up on the couch with the books I want to read...though I'll admit, sitting on the couch with two Thirtysomething guys and their acoustic guitars, watching America's Next Top Model together was pretty damn funny...

On Saturday mornings, Matt and I like to just laze around for a while, but Matt works Saturdays now, because of his crazy school schedule. I couldn't sleep last night without the aid of AdvilPM, so you can imagine my surprise at 8am, when I woke up, bleary eyed and wishing I lived in a cave, not on the sun - it was so bright. Instead of making coffee and waking up at my PC for a while, I fed the cat, then curled back up in bed with an old episode of Saved By The Bell and the laptop, until I just couldn't sit there anymore. I couldn't go into the living room (Alan snoring on the couch), I couldn't go to my office (friend of Alan's crashed on the floor), and I didn't want to just sit in my PJ's in the dining room. I felt trapped in my master bedroom. Was I? No. I could certainly have just gone about my business, but I can't do that.

I got up and then spent the next two hours cleaning. Litter boxes. Putting the roll of TP on the guest bathroom roller (seriously. you can't put the paper ON the roll? the paper we provided you when you ran out and didn't tell anyone so you put the kleenex box in there instead? Two days go by and I have to replace the roll? Sheesh). Dishes for 4 adults. Cleaning the living room. Sweeping the floor. Dusting for no real reason other than it was something to do.

How do you say "um, how long do you guys intend to stay here, anyway?", without pissing anyone off? If it was just my brother, I'd have no problem with it. With three of us in a 2 bedroom, it wasn't a big deal. Now there are four of us, and its a little crowded.

Oh my the boredom.

Last night I got a call from my brother, who had been in Colorado since the end of Jan, then in Vegas for the last two weeks. He wanted to check my schedule so I could potentially pick him up from a bus station on Thursday. Fine and dandy.

I get a call this morning.

"We're in Wickenburg, we'll be there in 90 minutes"

AAAAAAUUUGGGHHHH!

So much for a nice, quiet, romantic night ALONE on our anniversary.

Currently, I am parked on my patio (it is GORGEOUS today!) while Alan is passed out on the couch and his friend is crashed on the floor in the guest room. They've been asleep since noon-ish. Matt's at school for another hour. No idea how this affects our Anniversary plans (which only included sharing dinner and wine at home tonight...but I can tell you it did NOT include my big brother...)

I'm bored. Alone. Can't watch TV. Can't screw around with a game on the computer in the office. Blech.

Tomorrow!

I'm excited - tomorrow, Matt and I will celebrate our fourth wedding anniversary! I can't believe its been four years already! It goes by so quickly, yet at the same time, I feel like we've been together forever.

Last Friday, the morning conversation at Curves turned to husbands and the idiotic things they do. I chimed in with a particularly decent one from just the night before, and one of the ladies asks "how long have you been married?" When I replied "it will be four years next week", all 8 of them groaned, balked, scoffed. "You're just a baby!" one said. "HA! I bet you still enjoy each other's company!" said another.

And that last comment got me thinking today. Of course we still enjoy each other's company. Isn't that the point? Was I supposed to choose a man who I can't stand to be around? Wasn't I supposed to pick a man that I love without question, who loves me just as much. Someone I find fascinating, interesting, fun, adorable, etc etc etc?

I don't think of us as "newlyweds" anymore, even if, by comparison, we are. I'm not so naive to think that life will always be rosy - Matt and I have had our share when it comes to marital issues. But I happen to think that he and I are totally meant for each other, and always have been.

So there. Happy Almost Anniversary Matt!

(and if you'd like, feel free to read our proposal story here: http://www.angelfire.com/mi/BeLLasPlace/proposal.html)