Thursday, November 6, 2008

Feeling lonely

Ever have those days where you just feel crappy and lonely?

Sunday night and Monday were those days for me. Sunday was actually pretty cool. M's coworker, a photographer, came over to shoot for a project M has for school. The project is really going to be great, I think, and I'm really proud of M for putting so much thought into it. Sunday night, though, I started feeling kinda blue. The 3+ week dry spell I mentioned before was getting to me. I was feeling just down in the dumps. Nothing helped.

Monday started off much the same. When I have days like this, I tend to stew over it for a day or two, then I break out of the funk. I was trying to break out of it - not very successfully, I might add - when I stumbled getting down onto the ground to open a box, mildly spraining my wrist and doing something weird to my knee (it "hurt", but only in a sense that I think it hurt, as I can't actually feel pain in that leg...). The pain did NOT help my mood. I was tired. I wanted to nap. I lay down on the couch to nap, and my doorbell rings, and an acquaintance and her dog come in to visit. I don't mind the visiting. I do mind her denying that it was her dog who peed on my carpet, blaming it on my cat (who DOES, admittedly, have a bladder issue, as she's 20, but she hadn't moved from her spot all day. Leave it to my miracle cat to pee from across the room...) I went to work, sore, tired and cranky. I came home. I ate dinner. I went to bed.

Tuesday and Wednesday were better. My knee felt better. My wrist still hurt. I worked it out. My hair looked cute and curly. Good hair days help a bad mood.

Thursday felt GREAT. My knee didn't hurt at all. My wrist hurt less. My hair looked even better than it had on Wednesday. I got a bunch of stuff done. I made a promise to myself to follow the Golden Rule, but backwards. "Treat others as you would want to be treated". My vow? "Treat yourself the way you treat others". If I wouldn't tell someone that they look terrible, it shouldn't be okay to tell myself the same thing. Maybe its silly, but I really do have a rotten self image, and I really do want to change that. I want to be the woman who is confident all the time, not just when she puts on a confident face. I want to be the woman who owns her curves, is proud of them, is strong. Not the woman I currently see in the mirror (when I'm not too ashamed to look)

I was feeling great. I had my day, I went to work, I had a good day there. I came home, we made dinner...and then...


I was feeling affectionate - or at least, in NEED of affection. I received none. I got chilly and wanted to cuddle. M got up to take his contacts out, and brought the cat back on his lap. No cuddling for me, just the cat. Now I'm suddenly back to Sunday night. Feeling lonely. Feeling "why bother? He didn't notice my hair looked pretty today, or the smile I wore that he used to like. He doesn't want me to touch him. He hardly wants me near him."

I feel like I may need to work a little extra hard tomorrow to work myself out of tonight. I hope my hair dryer can handle that...

(sorry for the funk, y'all)

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